My Heart is Full

God is so good to me and His Spirit is moving here in Casa Bernabe. One of His greatest blessings to me in the last few weeks here has been the morning prayer time we have every weekday at 7:30am. We come together to intercede for the children and teens here, to lift one another up to Jesus and to give glory and praise to God for all that He is doing. During these time of prayer and petition the Holy Spirit's presence with us has been so tangible, especially this morning. I felt Him stir my soul to praise Him and to fight for my boys who have been told so many lies. Every day they struggle with feelings of loneliness and a lack of self-worth; every day the devil tries to convince them that they are not worthy of love, that no one will ever really love them. The prayer of my heart today and for the rest of my time here is that the truth of God's love will shine through me into their lives, that when they look at me they wouldn't see the broken woman I am but only the presence of Jesus in my life. We serve an incredible God who is all-powerful, who is able and willing to fill the void in our hearts, to renew us and transform us into the image of His Son. Through the blood of the Son we can approach the throne of grace with confidence, that though we are broken and sinful, healing is truly possible in Jesus. I am so grateful for His invasion of my life, for His powerful reminder to me today that He truly is enough for me, no matter what the future brings. Whether or not I get into grad school, whether or not the things I've wanted for so long ever come to fruition, He is enough for me. More than enough. He is more than enough to heal the wounds on my heart and on the hearts of my boys. Please join me in interceding for them before the throne of God. May all the glory, honor and praise be to our God forever and ever.

God is Doing Big Things!

Last night we had a full staff meeting. Now, staff meetings by their nature are not always particularly arresting, usually full of details and notes to take. Well there were plenty of details and notes to take last night. But it was also incredibly challenging and encouraging, full of exhortation and testimony about the vision that God has placed in the hearts of the staff here for this place. This was partially spurred by a documentary we watched entitled "Reparando", directed by Scott Owen Moore, which takes a very honest look at poverty and crime in Guatemala, how this came to be, and how God is calling people here who have grown up in horrible situations and is using them to show His love and glory. If you have the opportunity to watch this documentary, I would encourage you to do so. Here is the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIkkxVZh3_o We watched the whole thing, causing our staff meeting to go a bit late, but we wanted to screen it before possibly showing it to some of the older kids here so we would be prepared to answer their questions and reactions. Some of the kids here understand what it's like to live on the streets, others who have grown up here since they were infants have less understanding of the world outside Casa Bernabe. We want all of them to understand what it is to be blessed; we want to understand this ourselves. We want them to recognize the power of God to change lives and hearts and how they can live joyfully in Christ without fear. We want to be a part of the process of God teaching them how to love. It doesn't matter how awesome our school is here and how much knowledge we give them if we aren't actively demonstrating the love of Christ to them. As always, there is a great deal of spiritual warfare going on here. Satan desires to prey on the insecurities and wounds of these children to make them believe that they are not worthy of God's love. Please, please pray that these lies would have no place here and that mighty victories would be achieved here through the love of Jesus.

To God be the Glory.

Emily

New Year, New Challenges, New Blessings

Hello!

I realize that it has been a long time since I have written here, and for that I am sorry. One of my New Year's resolutions is to write an entry for this blog every week. It may not always be long or beautifully written, but I think it's important for me to at least be posting prayer requests and praises about the goings-on here at Casa Bernabe. God is always doing so much here, and that deserves testimony. I just arrived back here at CB from spending the holidays with my family, which was really wonderful and relaxing. I also got to spend a lot of time with friends baking cookies, having dance parties, drinking coffee, bridesmaid dress hunting and a variety of other fantastic things. My last Sunday at church I was able to share a little bit of what God's been teaching me and what I did as a part of the ministry here at Casa Bernabe. Throughout this vacation I received so much encouragement - an incredible blessing! Now that I'm back I'm looking forward to settling in and figuring out a new routine here. The next 4 months that I will be here will be a bit different than the first 3. First of all, I'm moving into my new house this afternoon, Casa Nueva Esperanza, or House of New Hope which is home to boys ages 9-12. I will be working as the apoyo (support or helper) and as an English teacher in the school. While switching into this house will undoubtedly be a new challenge, I've already been really encouraged by the house parents, who have both been very welcoming and eager to communicate. Please pray that we continue to communicate well and that we will be able to build a successful partnership that brings glory to God and provides the boys with the most love and wisdom possible. Please pray also for wisdom and creativity as I talk with the school principal this week about how we are going to schedule my English classes and the form they will take. The overwhelming theme of my time serving here in Casa Bernabe has been the faithfulness of God in all situations. He is awesome and powerful and He has a purpose for this place and for me being here. Surely "it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes" Psalm 118:8-9. Amen!

Trusting in His Love,

Emily

Thanksgiving and How We Break God's Heart

First of all, my apologies for being a tad slow in bringing this latest post to life! However, I have a good reason for this, which I will now endeavor to explain. Here at Casa Bernabe there is a special celebration for El Dia de Gracias, aka Thanksgiving. Now this is not your typical American Thanksgiving by any stretch of the imagination. First of all, Guatemalans don't generally celebrate Thanksgiving for obvious reasons, but Casa Bernabe has adapted the holiday a tad. Here they use it as an opportunity to put on a big show as a thank-you to Jesus and all of the donors and sponsors who make this ministry possible. So what is my part in all this you might ask? Well, I have stepped into the role of co-choreographer of a dance including some of the older girls here, to the song "With Everything"/ "Con Todo" by Hillsong. Here are the links to both the Spanish and English versions - we are obviously using the Spanish version :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhIPaW9v-3g & http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSCE8uLuTJY. It's a beautiful song, and it's an incredible blessing to share my love of dance with these girls, none of whom have ever had the opportunity for any dance training. The message of the song has special meaning for me right now too because it talks about how darkness trembles in the light of God and how mighty and awesome His power is. I have felt that power in my life in a tangible way this last month (yes I have now been here for a month!) in inexplicable ways, and often I don't realize it until afterwards. He has been teaching me so much. I feel that God has laid it on my heart to share a rather difficult example of this. Last week there was one day where I was taking care of all the kids by myself, and while the majority of the day went smoothly, the afternoon was pretty rough. The kids are all supposed to nap after lunchtime, but a few of them kept getting all the others worked up, which amounted to 16 angry tired children and no down time for me. After this lovely episode, one of my kids threw a huge fit when I told him I had to discipline him for behaving so badly. I had to restrain him because he was screaming and hitting me, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. Basically, I looked him straight in the eye and told him I loved him but that actions have consequences and that he could either accept this fact and calm down or continue freaking out and make things worse. Well he chose option 1 after about 15 more minutes of screaming, but while all this was going on and I thought my heart would break I was so upset, I cried out to God "Is this what I make you feel like when I disobey?"

I wrote the following in my prayer journal the next day:

"When John* (name changed because of privacy laws here) threw that temper tantrum yesterday and I had to physically restrain him from hitting me I thought my heart would break tand that I would burst out crying in front of him. Is that what it feels like when we sin against you Lord? When I rebel and refuse to do what You know is best for me? It's probably worse, much worse, because Your discipline is perfect and You love us so much. Forgive me Father. You watched Your only Son die for an ungrateful selfish people that You might redeem us unto Yourself."

I don't think I've ever had such a clear understanding of how our sin breaks God's heart. It was an intensely humbling experience, and I'm still working through my heart/ thought process about the whole thing.

Well, I sincerely hope that this post was comprehensible and that it gives you the reader a clearer glimpse of how God is working on my heart here. His mercies are new every morning! November may prove a little trickier for me to be posting quite as often, as the house parents I work with will be on vacation and it will be myself and my Guatemalan friend Nora taking care of the house together full-time! As always, I covet your prayers, welcome your thoughts and greatly appreciate your encouragement. To God be the glory.

Reasons to Stay

If you asked me right now to come up with a list of reasons to leave Guatemala tomorrow, I could probably come up with a rather sizable list without a great deal of thought. It would most likely include the following:

1. No me gustan las cucharachas. (Translation: I don't like the cockroaches. Thankfully they're not super huge, but I kill at least 10/day. Those are just the ones I can catch.)

2. Trying to keep track of 16 hyper-active 5-9 year-olds can be a rather interesting challenge to say the least. I usually settle for keeping them from killing each other. We'll work towards bigger and better goals as we go.

3. I really miss meat. Today I got to eat a small piece of turkey and got really really excited about it. When Christmas break rolls around I plan to eat as much steak, turkey, chicken, hamburger and fish as I can get my hands on.

4. I can't watch Patriots' games here. I am in football withdrawal. (Though I don't miss living in Steelers' country. Sorry Pittsburgh fans.)

5. No hot water due to the complete lack of gas here on campus. That truck will show up one of these days.

6. I'm getting very used to feeling stupid on an at least daily (if not more frequently) basis.

7. When I woke up on Saturday morning, there was poop on the floor.

8. Sometimes I miss my family and friends from home so much I think I'm going to throw up.

And I could come up with more...but that's not the point of this post. Far from it. The reasons I have to stay far outweigh the ones I have to leave:

1. I'm learning so much: How to say new words in Spanish. How things work in a different culture. How to not act like a stupid American in that culture. How to put 16 kids to bed by myself (which I did tonight). My understanding of my own fallen nature. And how good God is to me despite that fallen nature.

2. My kids. For all the hell they give me some days, they're more than worth it. There's nothing like having one of them wrap their tiny arms around my leg while I'm washing dishes and looking down to see them grinning up at me. I also love the way they pray. A different nino prays before each meal, and they don't pray short prayers. They thank God for absolutely everything good that happened that day, the houseparents, Nora the other helper, myself, the food and Jesus. They don't pray to sound pious or eloquent. They just pray honestly.

3. God has called me here. While I'm still figuring out how best to be a blessing here, I have purpose and a mission to accomplish, a race to run for the Lord. I'm currently working on memorizing the following passage from Isaiah chapter 61, verses 1-4:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness the prisoners,

To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

To comfort all who mourn,

and to provide for those who grieve in Zion -

To bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

The oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

And a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

They will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations."

Above all, the challenges here push me into the all-encompassing arms of Christ. I have felt closer to God in the last two and a half weeks than I have in a long time. And His love is so sweet, even when I feel like my heart is about to break. When my strength fails, He is all-powerful. In the midst of chaos, He gives me peace. And when I am entirely frustrated, He brings joy. It doesn't make sense. I don't deserve any of what He gives. And yet He gives anyway. I serve an awesome God. More to come.

A Day in the Life...

As of today, I have officially been here at Casa Bernabe in Guatemala for two weeks. While in the grand scheme of things this is a rather short amount of time, it certainly feels like it has been longer than that. Yes, my days here can be rather long sometimes, but I feel that this is a reflection of how different my life here is from what it was two weeks ago. In the weeks leading up to my departure from the U.S., my days were filled with job shadowing, graduate school applications and doing work in coffee shops with friends for hours upon end. I am now quite literally a world away from this aforementioned life. My day here begins at approximately 6:45, at which point I reluctantly pull myself from the warmth of my bed to get dressed and help get all 16 of our kids through the shower. After a certain amount of cajoling and the brushing and braiding of hair, we read a morning Bible story and eat breakfast. Breakfast (el desayuno) is generally one of the lighter meals of the day, often consisting of atol and cereal. I'm not sure that I'm spelling the name correctly, but atol is some variety of hot, hopefully nutritious liquid, sometimes containing rice. We eat a lot of rice. And I mean a lot. At least once a day, if not more often. But I digress. When getting up from the breakfast table, it is important to be polite and say a "Muchas Gracias" for your food, at which point everyone who does not currently have their mouth full will reply "Buen Provecho", which essentially translates to "Enjoy your meal!". This is also to be said whenever you walk into a room where someone happens to be eating. After breakfast, our mornings tend to consist of one or more of the following: Discovery Kids (in spanish of course) - Angelina Ballerina is the presiding favorite, playing with blocks and Legos, and enjoying the great outdoors either in the little play area next to our house (see pictures previously posted) or in la cancha, aka the cement basketball court at the top of the hill. Lunch (el almuerzo) is generally around 1 and is also the largest meal of the day. This tends to consist of rice, some sort of stew, and tortillas. I'm getting pretty good at just eating whatever I get, which I have to say is usually pretty good, if quite different than that to which I had been accustomed. After lunch, all the kids nap for around 2 hours. Now, I cannot tell a lie, this is almost always my favorite part of the day. After all the dishes have been washed and all the laundry folded, this is my time to spend with Jesus. A friend of mine here has been kind enough to allow me to use her coffee pot, and so it is at around 2:30 in the afternoon that I settle down outside my house with my large cup of coffee, my Bible, my prayer journal and my devotional book to spend some quality time with the Sustainer of my soul. I have come to crave this time, not only because it affords a respite from the craziness of being with 16 children, but because it is then that I truly commune with God. This time is often humbling as I study God's Word and He reveals to me truth about my own failings, but it is always refreshing. After they get up from their nap around 4ish, it's back outside again until dinner around 6, and then it's off to bed. When everything is cleaned up, I usually grab my gear and head down to my friends Sara and Edgar's house to talk, hang out with their posse of teen girls and jump on the internet. Then it's a quick shower and off to bed, hopefully before 11 so I can still cram in 8 hours of sleep. Now, keep in mind, this is only a general description, but I hope it gives you my lovely reader a slightly better picture of what my life here is like. Each day brings new challenges and joys, and I rapidly learning that it is far less overwhelming to take this experience one day at a time with Jesus than to attempt to think about the next 7 months as a whole. I still feel like a total rookie here, but I'm learning. And above all, God is good.

So for now, goodnight! If anyone has a particular question they would like me to answer here, by all means send it to me and I will do my best to answer it promptly :)

A glimpse of where I live!

My kids playing Sunday afternoon futbol!

Our house - Casa Samuel.

The view from our front door - our land here is beautiful :)

Two of my ninos and I!